Saying Goodbye to your Kid in Foster Care (According to a Kid in Care)

Perhaps the hardest part of foster parenting is letting go.

You can work so hard with a child — teaching them how to trust and, ultimately, live. And then they leave you, either for an adoptive home or to go live with their biological parents or family.

Leaving someone, but still keeping the attachment you have formed with them, is a tricky skill but definitely one worth learning.

A Home to Launch From

I am leaving my adoptive mom in less than a week for college. This is certainly one of the most difficult times of my life, but I know that without the stable home I have now, I would have never been able to make this transition.

I can now say that I have a home to come back to, whereas, before I did not have anyone, let alone any place. I think what makes this transition so much easier is not the fact that I have a place to come home to, but that I have a home to leave from.

Without the attachment that I have with my mom, I would feel lost and like I was all alone in the world, which is a very scary feeling.

Without a place to leave from, one feels like they are not going anywhere.

You gave your foster child a place to be cared for, a place to feel safe, a place to be loved.

If you did not form an attachment with them, they would go on believing that they are not worth anyone's time or love. If an attachment was formed, wherever the child goes, whatever the child does, they will remember you as the one that took the time out to care.

Grief is Normal

You will grieve for the child you lose. You may cry, get angry, try to figure out some plan to make them stay, fight in every way imaginable to keep the child that you have grown to love. You may hate the world, or check out of it at times.

Losing someone or something that you love is like losing a part of your body; as hard as you try to forget it, there are wounds to remind you.

In the case of saying goodbye to your foster child, they are emotional wounds, but scars nonetheless. Know that this is normal.

Know that if you did not feel pain as you are losing this child, you would be doing them a disservice. You love them, and as much as it hurts you, it is helping them.

It’s Not About You

ATTACHMENT IS NOT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR NEEDS. As harsh as that may sound, attachment is for the child and whatever you get out of it is a perk.

That is not to say that your feelings are wrong — that could not be further from the truth. Your feelings about losing this child are just a testament to how much you love them. The more that you love them, the more it will hurt.

But remember the child is probably hurting just as bad. I know that some people believe that foster care is a business or a service that foster parents provide. This would be very sad if this was true, because foster parents and kids would miss out on so much love and fun.

Many people believe that foster parenting is some form of charity.

What many people fail to see is that foster kids do not need or want sympathy; they want to be loved.

People need to remember that attachment is for the kids, not about adult wants and needs. When they realize this is when true attachment can occur.

Don't be afraid to love these kids. They need you just as much as you want to help them. Don't be afraid of getting hurt in this. If you block out the pain, the good stuff can never get in either.

Love them like you will not be hurt; love them like they deserve to be loved.

This article was written by former foster youth Mattie Baker when she was 18 years old and was originally published by Kids Crossing. Hear Mattie’s story on Episode 1 of the Just As Special Podcast.

Today, Mattie has a MSW (Master of Social Work) and offers specialized foster parent trainings for foster care organizations. Learn more about Mattie’s work at fosteredconnections.com.

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