Navigating the Holidays: A Guide for Foster Parents

Though holidays are traditionally viewed as a time of fun and togetherness, for many kids in foster care these special days can emphasize their grief of being separated from their biological families.

Here are some tips to help the kids in your care make the best of the holiday season.

Make It Your Own

Being a foster parent requires a lot of creativity and flexibility — and navigating the holidays with kids in care is no different. So don’t be afraid to make the holidays your own!

Here are some ideas to make the most of the holidays:

• Throw out any traditions that are causing more stress than joy.

• Rather than rushing from activity to activity, focus on relaxing downtime.

• Tease out societal pressures vs. what will actually bring you and your family joy.

• Don’t focus on perfection or making up for past holidays.

A note on gifts: For many kids in foster care, receiving gifts can be overwhelming as they may have never experienced gift receiving before or past gifts may have been tied to traumas. Consider allowing these kids the option to open gifts in private or focus on giving experiences rather than tangible gifts.

On the other end of the spectrum, some kids in foster care may seem to only care about tangible gifts and not care about building relationships. For these kids, consider gifts that create the opportunity for interactions such as crafts or games.

Ask kids about a gift they’ve wanted for a while but never got — and then try to get these gifts regardless of if they are “too old for them” by societal standards. Receiving these gifts after so long can be a healing experience for kids in foster care.

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Ask for Input

Giving kids a say in how you celebrate the holidays can make them feel valued — rather than forgotten amidst the bustle — and increases the chances of their participation in family activities. This also helps them know what to expect well in advance which can help dissipate anxiety.

• Make participation in all of your family traditions optional, but also ensure they have a warm invitation to join you.

• Ask for help creating some new family traditions.

• Ask if they would like to share some of their family traditions that you can do together.

• When creating plans, invite them to share their feedback and whether they are interested in joining.

• Ask in advance what they need to feel comfortable participating in any holiday activities.

• Ensure you allow them the opportunity to take part in any of their cultural and religious practices.

Get Rid of Expectations

Try to not have any expectations. And when you notice an expectation you didn’t realize you had not being met, allow yourself the time needed to recalibrate.

The holidays can bring out sadness and big behaviors for kids in care. They may have been excited about doing family activities beforehand, but feel too depressed to participate on the actual holiday. Or they may prefer to spend a holiday with their biological family; a friend/mentor; or a former foster family/caregiver. If it’s safe, allow them to do so — and offer to also celebrate with them on another day.

Create time for self-care so you can re-charge and have the capacity to deal with your own disappointments and triggers. Don’t feel guilty for needing this time! It’s healthy for kids to see you take care of yourself.

How Do I Escape This?

Former kid in care, Kenisha E. Anthony, shares about what it was like for her to celebrate the holidays in foster care.

She also offers advice around how to make the holidays easier for kids in foster care and much more.

Listen Now →

Offer Additional Support

The emotions holidays bring up for kids in foster care can be complicated and overwhelming. Sometimes they may not even be able to verbalize how or what they feel.

You can offer additional support by:

• Letting them know you understand the holidays may be hard for them.

• Acknowledging that they may miss their family more than usual.

• Telling them you are available to talk and that any feelings they have are normal and okay, even if they are sad or angry feelings.

• Offering hugs or other options for healthy physical touch such as sitting close together while watching a movie.

• Suggesting you do one of their favorite activities together such as playing a game; cooking one of their favorite meals; or listening to their music.

• Carving out space for extra one-on-one time or relaxing alone time (depending on their preference) so they can recharge after time with extended family and friends.

• Informing family and friends about the needs of kids (for example: no hugging or ask before you hug) ahead of gatherings.

• Expecting the possibility of a post-holiday regression in behaviors and making a game plan to address these behaviors.

Connection with Others

Make the extra effort to have the kids in your care connect with family members or other important relationships they have — such as former caregivers; friends; and mentors — if it’s allowed and the kids are open to it.

Connecting with these important people can take many forms if in-person visits aren’t an option including:

• Scheduling a Zoom or phone call

• Dropping-off or mailing gifts

• Helping them send photos and letters

It can be hard to add time for these activities around a hectic holiday schedule, but going the extra mile to ensure these kids have connection with loved ones is important.

This is by no means an exhaustive list! Drop any tips you have for navigation the holidays as a foster family in the comments section below.

Listen to the Just As Special podcast for more foster parenting tips.

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