How to Bond with Kids in Foster Care (According to a Kid in Foster Care)

As a former foster child and a master of blowing out of homes, I can say that attachment is perhaps the most important part of making a home successful.

Without a secure attachment, children do not feel safe. If a child does not feel safe, they will act out and thus, inevitably, blow the placement.

I know that foster parents receive numerous tips on how to avoid this, but all this advice comes from people that — while being well-intentioned — have no idea what it’s like for the child in that situation.

I hope hearing these tips from someone who has been there and done that will help.

Don’t Take Things Personally

The absolute most important thing to do when a child is acting out or pushing your buttons is to remember not to take it personally.

Children that are in faster care are in foster care for a reason. Most have been abused in some form or another, and traumatic events can be extremely hard for the child to deal with.

I know that when I was acting out by cussing out foster parents, etc., it had absolutely nothing to do with the foster parents. They were just there and unfortunately they suffered.

Try to help the child focus the anger on where it belongs (on the parents, siblings, offenders, etc.) and off of you. If the child absolutely will not calm down, let them rage as long as no one is in danger.

They need to be angry and have the right to that feeling. Go back and talk with the child as soon as they are calm and try then to get to the root of the problem.

Don’t Expect Thankfulness

Foster parenting is a thankless job. Foster children may not respect your position and may even resent it.

To many foster teens and children, you now represent the people who betrayed them, the people that hurt them, the people that abused them...their parents.

I think that many foster parents expect kids to come to them teary-eyed with arms wide open and thank them ever so much for opening their homes and lives to them.

But the opposite can be the case. Kids may want to tell you where to shove your happy life and home. Each new child or teen placed in your home will not automatically respect, love or glorify you — especially at the beginning and sometimes never. If you do build a strong bond, consider it a bonus and not a given.

Expect these kids to be angry, hateful and, ultimately, in pain and hurting. But respect them.

I know that this is difficult for most foster parents, but sometimes you have to give respect before you get it. You may have said that many times yourself, but it works both ways.

Give Space

Do not smother the child or teen with love, thinking that is all they need. The child will see this as a weakness and will tear you apart.

Give them their space: be there for them when they need it or want it and make your move slowly.

Some foster parents get into foster parenting believing that it takes only love to change a child. That may work with your average kid, but children that are in foster care are far from average. They require a lot of special care and that is why a lot of the ideas that therapists present to you may sound bizarre.

Remember that all the love in the world cannot change a person if they do want to change, or simply don't know how. Teach them.

Stick It Out

Do not move a child from your home after every little (or big) blow up. That is what the child is expecting from you and that is what keeps these kids from getting attached.

I know that every time I would curse at a foster parent or refuse to follow rules, I would end up losing my placement.

There were many, many foster parents of mine that were well-intentioned but ill prepared. By that I mean many of my foster parents believed that I was trying to get out of their house; that I would never change; and that I would be a liability instead of an asset at their house.

By no fault of their own, my old foster parents ended up having me removed from their home, thinking that they were doing me a favor.

In the end, I had been in 28 foster homes and group homes and felt that no one wanted me.

Truth be told, if one foster family would have stuck with me, I think that I could have been successful a long time ago.

What I am trying to say is stick it out with the kid. They will push your buttons and they will try to upset you and get a rise out of you.

What every child ultimately wants is a family, but many foster kids are too scared to get that close to anyone. Respect that. Keep in mind that, given time, this child will more than likely come around and want to be a part of the family.

Do whatever it takes to give the child what they need: attachment therapy; special family therapy sessions; and spending extra time with the child on their terms are just a couple of ideas.

Remember Each Kid Is Different

All in all, remember that each kid is special and different.

Ask your kid's therapist what is best for each kid and what will work best for the family as a whole.

Please do not let this article make you think that all foster children are bad. Each child has special needs, not just foster children, and all require attention.

If you can break through to your foster child and form a bond (something every child needs, not just the ones that act like they want it), you will be rewarded with an attachment like you have never had before.

Working for what we want makes the reward a hundred times more valuable than what is given to us, foster children included.

Hear Mattie’s story on the Just As Special Podcast.

This article was written by former foster youth Mattie Baker when she was 18 years old and was originally published by Kids Crossing.

Today, Mattie has a MSW (Master of Social Work) and offers specialized foster parent trainings for foster care organizations. Learn more about Mattie’s work at fosteredconnections.com.

---

Just As Special Podcast