What is the Savior Complex & How to Avoid It
Today’s savior complex is a remnant of colonialism — where invaders forced natives to conform to their “right” way of living. This often created generational trauma and could be deadly.
In America, there were high mortality rates of Native American children who were forced into boarding schools and stripped of their family and culture in an attempt to “civilize” them.
The savior complex is still alive and well when it comes to the foster care system — and it is still very destructive.
The Savior Complex
Here are examples of savior complex when it comes to foster parenting:
Believing you can — or that it is your job — to “save” or “heal” the kid in your care
Disregarding or discounting a child’s bond with their biological family
Considering yourself better than the child’s biological parents
Believing only you can provide the best life for the kid in care in your home
Expecting the kid in your home to completely conform to your family’s way of living
Believing the way you live your life is the only right way to live
The savior complex can arise out of the dominantly western perspective of either/or thinking. For example: My kiddo’s biological parents made bad choices so they are bad. The only good solution is for this kid to stay with me.
As you can see from the example above, a dichotomous (black vs white) way of thinking often causes people to miss the nuances of a situation and can cause emotion to override logic.
Bad choices don’t mean there is no good in a person. The example above also fails to examine the causes or “why” behind the bad choices — or to consider the good lost in a child not being with their biological parents.
Studies show it is best for a child to return to their biological family whenever it is reasonably possible — even in cases where biological parents cannot provide as much financial or emotional care as an adoptive family.
How the savior complex made my life a storm
Hear from Mattie Baker, a former foster youth, about how the savior complex directly impacted her life.
Destruction from the Savior Complex
Foster care is messy. There are no easy solutions. Oftentimes, harm and hurt will arise out of every single option.
When foster parents have unrealistic expectations around the impact they will have on a child’s life or on how a child will conform to their way of living, it can often result in a placement disrupting.
Every time a child moves homes, they acquire more trauma which makes it harder for them to build relationships with others, stay engaged in school, and prepare for a successful transition to adulthood.
The statistics of kids who age out of the foster care system are dire:
Only 50% of former foster youth have gainful employment by 24 years old
25% of youth become involved in the criminal justice system within two years of leaving care
70% of females who age out are pregnant by the age of 21
Beyond the challenges of preparing for adulthood, kids in care often lose large parts of their personal identity. Their sense of self can fracture as a result of feeling disconnected from their biological family, culture, and religious background.
Foster parents can add to these identity losses when they do not actively help the kids in their care cultivate ties to their identities, especially when they differ from that of their foster family.
Avoiding the Savior Complex
One way to limit the savior complex is to base your foster parenting success around how consistently you support the child in your care and how much you grow as a person rather than on the “success” or improvement of the child in your care.
Here are some other ways to limit the savior complex that also benefit kids in care:
Be Open & Flexible
Choose times to accommodate your placement’s preferences over your own
Include a child in decisions that directly impact them (at an age-appropriate level)
Work together to find creative solutions to solve petty disagreements
Give kids opportunities to exercise choice between two good options
Encourage Other Relationships
Help kids build their own community of healthy people, including some who share some of their same identities (ie sexual orientation, religion, culture, etc.)
Connect kids to mentoring or afterschool programs
Sign kids up for sports or other activities that interest them
Provide opportunities for the child to maintain relationships with biological and chosen family in safe and healthy ways
Celebrate Differences
Ask a child to share some of their traditions or religious practices and incorporate them into your family life
Frequently speak about the positives of a child’s biological family
Be respectful about a child’s biological family whenever you speak to your child or others
Actively Learn & Grow
Let a child know you are open to feedback and change
Demonstrate a dedication to self-growth
Get regular support to avoid burnout or checking out (ie go to therapy, exercise regularly, take frequent breaks)
What are other ways you’ve learned to avoid the savior complex?